This week, we are honoured to be sharing Jade‘s experience on her post-partum depression. Now we may not necessarily always feel comfortable telling others that we are experiencing it. But it is really important to raise awareness on this condition and show other moms that they are not the only ones dealing with this. Here are Jade’s words on her experience:
Tears aggressively ran down my face. I was shoving my clothes in a tote. I blurted out “I’m leaving you.” “Omg I actually said it? I’m actually packing my things? And over something so silly! How can I just give up my best friend because of a small argument that had over escalated?” I thought to myself. The first rational thought I’d had in hours. Now I started packing slower. I didn’t want to leave, but I felt like I had to. I knew my actions of dragging things out like this were wrong, but I just couldn’t stop it. I was angry, and so hurt. I picked up my phone and called my mother at 2:30 in the morning explaining to her that I was leaving my husband, and I’d be coming to stay with her for a while. She was so shocked. “Did he cheat on you? ” “No mom.” “Did he hit you?” “Mom he would never.” ” So why do you feel the need to drag your babies out at this time of night on the highway? Is it that serious?” I then realized it wasn’t serious at all. I had made this whole big marriage ending argument out of nothing. “What is wrong with me?” I started crying even harder.
Several years ago I was watching The Tyra Show, and she was featuring mothers who were having a hard time transitioning into their new lives with their new babies. Becoming a Mother wasn’t what they had expected. It was draining, tough, but most of all, it was depressing. One of the women spoke about how she imagined her baby falling, and hearing his head crack. I thought who could ever do that or be that way? But fast forward and there I was dealing with my own thoughts and issues similar to the women on that segment. Every time my baby cried I would want to to cry with him. I would have recurring thoughts about placing my baby in the trash can. I knew I would never do it and I didn’t want to, but the thought kept coming into my mind. Not angrily or to hurt him, but uncontrollably on my part. “If I don’t even want to do this, why do I keep getting this thought forced in my head of doing so?” I kept thinking how terrible of a mother I was. Suicide was my next thought. First it crept in quietly. It would just flow through my mind like the wind. Eventually it was a thunderstorm constantly hitting me, wanting to be the solution to all my problems. I would just close my eyes, and say a prayer. That’s not how I was. I never thought of suicide as an option, so why now?
It didn’t start off like this. Giving birth to my second son was such a blessing to me. I was so grateful for him, and anticipated his arrival like every mother does when she’s pregnant. For 3 weeks my baby and I were bonding beautifully. More than my first child and I had bonded to be honest, but there was this instant change. Not just with my baby, but with everything. I didn’t want to leave the house, I dreaded looking in the mirror, and I’d pass my baby off any chance I could get. I just didn’t like taking care of him anymore. I knew I felt different in general since I’d had my first son, like I was no longer free or attractive. But after my second son it was different, way different. This was worse. It was darker. Sure at times a young mother can feel as if they’ve lost their youth from having a child too soon, but that wasn’t the case. I was ecstatic to be a wife and mother. Yes it was hard for me to connect with my first son, but once I got through my sad phase we were inseparable. Although every now and then my sad phases would return, and I just didn’t want to be bothered with him during those times. I just wasn’t my free spirited, loud, and ambitious self anymore. I thought this is what motherhood does to you. But I was wrong, this was something else.
The more time went on the less logical I was. In my mind my husband was my worse enemy. To him I was blowing everything out of proportion, which caused me to see him as being extremely insensitive. We would argue before breakfast ignore each other all day, and have a big blowout right before it was time for bed. Which led to me crying all night. This went on for days in that exact routine. There was too much pressure. It started off with crying spells at night when my husband and children were sound asleep. Then it grew to crying every time something was out of my control, until finally I cried for 12 hours straight, 3 nights in a row. I hated my husband. I thought he hated me too. I felt like I had no other choice but to leave him.
That morning my mother knocked on my door at 7am. My husband had already left for work. “What’s going on with you?!” She was so insensitive. I held back my tears. “Look at me, tell me why you’re leaving?” Her voice soften. Not one reason could come to my head as to why I was about to break up my happy home. Her facial expression changed. She walked closer in to me. “Are you depressed?” I could no longer hold back my tears. “I think so.” I was so ashamed. She immediately called my doctor. We arrived at my OBGYNs’ office in less than an hour. After a lot of evaluation he diagnosed me with Postpartum Depression. “Why would you ever want to kill yourself?” You have two beautiful children, a supportive husband…” He continued on in a supportive speech, but I could tell he didn’t understand. He’d never been through it. My mother was in tears from the thought of me wanting to kill myself, and I cried from seeing her cry. I had been feeling helpless, hopeless, and truly worthless the days before, but when I was in my doctors’ office I began to see light at the end of the tunnel, I was finally getting help instead of internally dealing with this like I had been since I had my first child. My doctor prescribed me Zoloft and suggested I see a therapist.
Since I’ve gotten help I still have my days. But I’m getting back to my normal self. Prayer along with working out helps renew my mind, body, and soul, I go out as often as possible to get my “me time”. My boys and I are bonding beautifully, and my marriage is stronger than ever. Postpartum depression is something rarely spoken about, but much more common than we think. I was so hesitant to share my story, because of the thought of people thinking I was crazy or a bad mother and wife. But I realized I’m not any of that. No one is a bad mother because they suffer from this illness. They’re stronger than you think. If you feel like you have Postpartum Depression I suggest you to talk to a trusted family member or friend, and call your doctor immediately for help. If you notice symptoms in a loved one sit with them, and talk to them about your observations as lovingly as you know how. The two of you should seek help for your loved one together as soon as possible. Trying to get through Postpartum Depression alone, or being too ashamed to say anything has caused mothers to loose their lives, and unfortunately innocent children as well. You can get through all things through Christ who strengthens you. With the proper help and awareness any mother suffering from this illness will be okay.
Leave us a comment if you’ve experienced it or know someone who has <3