Some days I can feel the hole where my heart used to be, it feels raw.. empty nothing.. I spend those days pushing memories away, choking back tears.. the lump in my throat is constant and I feel like the slightest little thing will push me over the edge. I look around my new room and its peaceful and serene and cleansed but its not our room, I don’t know where to put myself. I only feel comfortable in my bed. Maybe its because it was our bed, maybe because its really the only place if feel is mine.. or was.. I don’t know.
Today I got mad, really fucking mad.. mad at myself or mad at the person that left me or mad at both of us, or the situation. Mad that I never felt like I wanted children till I met him, mad that I trusted him and believed what he was saying was true, mad that because of my stupid belief that someone could love me and that someone would never do me wrong that I have let my daughter down. Mad because people keep saying “he will be back” – like what kind of fool do people take me for, do people think that because I’m pregnant I forfeit my self respect, like because I’m pregnant I should just throw all common sense out the window and run back the second he realises he has made a huge mistake. Let it be known to everyone that has said those comments that yes I understand he may return in the future, that yes he will probably realise what a mistake his made with his own child, that he will feel utter pain the second he sees her beautiful face. I know that he will regret this, if not soon then eventually one day – But please stop it with the “you guys were great you will get through this” or the famous “he is just freaking out about the argument and being a dad” – I will never ever excuse a man for leaving a pregnant partner and his child because he “freaked out” about anything what a joke that people think that is a pill that I would swallow.
I freaked out every single day about becoming a mum, wondering if I was good enough for the role, wondering if he would be the guy that I could get through all of lifes obstacles with, I freaked out about my body and it changing and that I couldn’t eat without vomiting, or sleep without having terrible nightmares. I freaked out when all the changes in my body started happening and I realised it will probably never look the same again. I freaked out about money, about how were were going to provide for this little person – And you know what not once did I fucking run away like a coward, not once did I… because I could never do that to him.
So please understand that I have good days and bad days, and for the people that ask – I am most certainly, definitely not okay – Everyday that goes by and she gets stronger its like the wound tears open and im at the start again – Its like having a photo of your ex burned into your skin, every time you look into the mirror you can see them, you can see the memories. The times I can feel her in there are painful because I can’t help but think I wish he was sharing this with me, I get upset that he is missing her little milestones. Its like having a photo of your ex burned into your skin, a photo that gets bigger and more noticeable every single day – a happy memory you planned together. So please know that I am not okay and if I am being real with you I don’t know when or if I will ever be okay again.
I do my best every day to get through the day, I try as hard as I can to keep my body happy and as healthy as is possible right now so that she is not picking up on anything negative. All that I keep saying to myself is that we made it through another day, the sun rises and then it sets and if I somehow get through and I have smiled a couple of times and improved my outlook a little then I feel I have achieved a miracle. I know its hard for my friends to see me like this, I know I am not a barrel of laughs to be around at the moment, I know that my sparkle is a little dull and that its not easy to help because you don’t know how to, and I’m not even sure I believe what I’m about to say but – I will get through this, this too shall pass.. I will probably not be anywhere near the same person I was a couple of weeks ago ever again, and that’s okay.
I am falling apart and that’s okay, maybe the falling apart was necessary – Maybe somehow the universe has beautiful plans, maybe this was necessary to put those plans into action. Those who are worried please know that I’m taking all the right steps to heal and that’s gotta count for something right.. I have days where I feel completely fine, and I have days like today where I feel like my soul has left my body and there is no one inside – And that’s okay..
Please be patient with me during this time, if I don’t answer your calls, if I don’t leave my room, if I don’t reply, if I go MIA on you.. please understand that even though I’m not okay right now, Im hoping i eventually will be. I will be because I have to be, I have a total of 25 weeks and 6 days left until my due date, until she arrives. That’s 25 weeks and 6 days left to heal, because ill be damned if my daughter comes into this world and feels anything from me but pure and utter love. So please understand if I’m not myself, if i seem distant.. If i act a little out of character its because i am literally finding myself again, I’m literally rebuilding parts of me that have been broken, I’m starting a new life from scratch with a plus one in tow, and a whole new set of responsibilities to think about.